In a kingdom far, far away, there lived a lazy young man named John. Instead of helping his parents at home, he just lounged around in bed. He was nearly grown up already, yet he still wanted his mom to feed him, brush his hair, and dress him.
One day, his mom got so tired of it that she slammed her hand on the table and said, “I’ve had enough. You’re as big as a mountain but you act like a baby. Come on, get out of bed, get yourself dressed, comb your hair, and off you go—out of the cottage.”
John just stared, completely stunned. He was so surprised that he started getting dressed right away. But since it was his first time, he pulled his pants onto his arms and his shirt onto his legs. He put his socks over his ears and his underpants on his head. He put his shoes on his hands. All dressed up like that, he stepped outside the cottage, where Daddy handed him a bundle of sweet buns and said, ‘Dear John, it’s time to set out into the world. You’re a big boy now, and it’s time you started taking care of yourself. I mean work, so stop waving your arms around. Go out into the world and find your fortune.”
So John tied his bundle to his arm and set off. He was terribly upset that his parents had plotted against him and chased him out of bed. He’d barely made it past the village and his feet were already hurting.
“Ow, my feet, my poor little feet,” he called out so loudly that a bird flew down to him.
“You’re such a fool, John,” chirped the little bird. Take the shoes off your hands and put them on your feet—it’ll be much easier to walk. Chirp chirp chirp.”
John sat down on a stone, and after two hours he finally managed to put on his shoes.
Then he set off again, but the shoes rubbed his feet terribly.
“Ouch, my poor little feet. These shoes are so hard and they’re hurting my toes. My poor little toes,” he cried so loudly the whole forest could hear.
His crying woke up a wise old owl who was sleeping in the hollow of a tree. She peeked out and hooted, making John jump in fright.
“You’re such a goof, John,” hooted owl. “Take those socks off your ears, you look like some kind of puppy.” Put them on your feet and put your shoes over them. And go up the hill, all the way to the top. Hoo, hoo, hoo.”
John sat there all evening, trying to puzzle out the tricky riddle of how to put on socks. Then he put on his shoes and set off into the woods up the hill, just like the wise owl had told him.
Night was already falling by the time he reached the top of the hill, but when he saw a little house, he knocked on the door to ask if he could spend the night. There was a woodcutter living in the cottage. At first, he was surprised that John had underpants on his head, but then he happily let him stay the night.
“I can’t give you anything to eat, because I don’t have anything myself,” said the woodcutter.
“That’s all right, I’ll share my sweet buns with you, since chopping trees doesn’t earn you a living.”
“Thank you, John. Well, it would earn me a living, but in the whole kingdom it’s strictly forbidden to cut down any trees. Where did you come from that you don’t know that?” wondered the woodcutter.
“I’m from Nowheresville, but I haven’t really cared about the world until now. Why aren’t you allowed to cut down the trees?”
“Because in one of those trees our enchanted princess is hiding. And nobody knows which one it is. And the wicked old witch who cursed her lives in a cave in the rocks. They say she eats people, so no one dares to go in there.”
“I’ll go there in the morning. But I have one more favor to ask,” said Honza. “Give me your axe—it’s just sitting in the corner collecting cobwebs and dust.”
Alright, John, it’s yours. But please, before you head out in the morning, change your pants and shirt. You’ve got them on the wrong way. The shirt goes over your head and arms, and the pants are for your legs. It’ll be easier that way.
The next morning, John got dressed properly, grabbed his axe, and, proudly wearing underpants on his head, set off toward the cliffs. He came to the cave where the wicked old witch lived.
“Hey, old lady, come out! A brave knight is here to rescue the princess!” he shouted at the cave.
A hunched, ragged old woman with a wart on her nose staggered out of the cave, gave John a piercing look, and burst into such terrible laughter that she rolled on the ground.
“You? You, a brave knight? A fool who can’t even dress himself? You’ll barely save the princess, Knight of Underpantsville.”
Don’t waste my time, old woman. Just tell me in which tree the princess is hidden.
“One tree in the forest is her. At night, she turns into a tree fairy and dances in the meadow. That’s so her legs don’t turn wooden, hehehe. You have three days and three nights to show me which tree is her. If you guess right, I’ll turn her back and let you both go. And I’ll tell you how to wear underpants properly. If you don’t, the underpants will be mine and I’ll turn you into a toilet. I could use one of those for my cave.”
“Deal,” said John.
He reached the clearing where the princess was supposed to dance in the meadow that night. And sure enough, in the evening, she ran out of the woods and began to dance and twirl about. She was so beautiful. John couldn’t take his eyes off her, but now he couldn’t waste any time. He raced into the forest, grabbed his axe, and started chopping down one tree after another. At first he wasn’t very good at it—he’d never done anything before.
“Ouch, ouch, my poor hands. I’ve got blisters on them,” moaned John after chopping down his tenth tree.
The wise Owl heard him and flew over.
“Why are you cutting down our forest?” asked the Owl.
John explained that he had to find the princess. At night, she dances like a girl, so she isn’t really a tree. If he cut down all the trees at night, in the morning there’d only be one left, and that would be her.
“If I don’t find her, that old witch will turn me into a toilet, and she will… Do I need to explain, Owl?”
Owl called the beavers to help John cut down the trees. They worked faster together, but when the sun came up in the morning, there were still lots of trees left.
During the day, John rested, and as soon as evening came, he got back to work. But even with the beavers’ help, he couldn’t clear the whole forest the second night, either. It wasn’t until the third night that finally all the trees far and wide were lying on the ground. John ran to the meadow to see the princess. She was so beautiful, he wanted to catch her and kiss her.
But the Princess got scared and ran away. Who wouldn’t be scared of a guy at night with an axe and underpants on his head? John ran after her. He tripped over fallen tree trunks a few times, but he didn’t give up. He was getting closer to her. He didn’t even notice that the sun was starting to rise. He reached out for the princess, puckered his lips to give her a kiss—and suddenly, THUD! John’s lips smacked into a tree that popped up instead of the princess.
‘Ow, ow, my poor little lips!’ John wailed through the whole forest. ‘But I’ve got the princess!’
Out of nowhere, an old witch appeared.
“You’ve won, knight with underpants instead of a helmet. I’ll give you the princess.”
The old witch turned the princess from a tree back into a girl and whispered to John how to properly wear underpants. John immediately pulled them off his head and hid them behind his back. The princess giggled and was happy to be rescued.
On the way to the king, John returned the axe to the woodcutter and thanked him.
There was a big wedding at the castle soon after. John married the princess. She taught him how to dress properly, and so everything turned out just as it should. John soon became king and ruled wisely for many, many years. And if he hasn’t died, he’s still there ruling with his queen to this day.